How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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