Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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