there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
