I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
