I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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