either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
