i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
We just shotgunned beers for America
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
