So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
