We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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