My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
