So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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