"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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