mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
