awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
