Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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