remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
