Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Boobs are out for the taking
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize