I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize