I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Randomize
