I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize