one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
