so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I enjoy the company of your penis
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
