Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
50% drunk capacity currently
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
