i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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