he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
zippers are such a cool invention
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
