I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
