i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize