I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
