so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize