I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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