If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
