did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Randomize
