my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
