mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
