apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
