Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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