is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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