I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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