Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
