I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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