I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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