Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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