I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
