For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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