i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
