Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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