My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Randomize
