Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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