im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
