you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
