I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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