I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
