I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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