I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
