I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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