you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
