My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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